Thursday, December 23, 2010

Starfish Letter to the Editor

Above is Burt's "happy place," an illusory safe haven Burt retreats to when his anger management issues get out of line.

Below is the letter from a very upset starfish to the editor of a very popular line of self help books.

Dear Guy Who Came Up With That Stupid Inspirational Starfish Story,

You know who you are.   Every time I hear that story about the guy walking on the beach who throws the beached starfish back in the ocean because “it makes a difference to that one,” I spew a little in my mouth. 

You might as well get together with Guy Who Wrote The Ubiquitous Jesus Footprints On The Beach Story and take turns immersing each other in a bowl of extra hot chicken soup for the soul. 

No, seriously.   Here I am, a tired, weary starfish (my name is Burt, not that you care) out for a serene ocean-side stroll when POOF some holier-than-thou brat tosses my spiny ass back into the cold dark sea without even asking how I feel about it.   And all in the name of sentimentality.

You know what, last time I did something that sentimental I was sixteen. I made a mixed tape for a girl -a scallop named Delia, dang, she was smokin’ - who I intended to shtup after junior prom.   Let’s just say I’ve learned a lot since I put a Death Cab for Cutie track anywhere near The Beta Band.

I mean I get it, you’re one of those do-gooders.  That’s nothing to go to hell for, I guess.  But you know what, dude: I am a person, not a metaphor!

You know what would “make a difference” to me?   If you would just shut up!

-Burt [Last Name Redacted]


  1. Burt,

    Your diatribe has really opened my eyes. I'm throwing out my copy of "Chicken Soup for the Soul" now that I realize you're a starfish, not a metaphor. Thank you.

  2. Ah, music to my starfish ears! ~Burt