Friday, January 21, 2011

Gazelle Noise Complaint Letter to Zoo Management

Above is a picture of Garth-Floyd (foreground) sunning himself with his half-brother Cleavon just hours before writing this letter.

Below is Garth-Floyd's grievance letter, which cites his condemnation of zoo's owl population -- namely their obtrusive hooting. 

Dear Zookeeper,

I'm a sensitive type.  Sensitivity comes with the territory of bein' a gazelle, you know. Just the way God made us. But---I just gotta make a complaint.  You gotta do something about the owls. Evict em, send ‘em packing.  If you don’t, I will.

I’ll break it down for you -- nice and simple like. I spent all morning and all my afternoon trottin’ around the fence, makin’ the kiddies smile. “Ohhhh look at the pretty deer,” they squeeled. Note: I ain’t no damn bambi.  But…what do I do? I skip, and leap, and otherwise pretend to…frolick.   Oh, I hate myself. The things I do for a handful of feed.  

So, tonight, I really need the peace and quiet. But, to be fair, I am feeling pretty swell.  I finally got that saucy lioness, Chompserella, to agree to hop her fence to go on a date with me!  We are gonna rendezvous at the elephants' watering hole.  Boy howdy, you shoulda seen her.  Her eyes lit up.  She told me she liked the sensitive types like me. She even licked her lips, hot damn!  So if these damn owls mess this up, I’m gonna be mightily ticked.

So, to get on with it, I need my beauty sleep tonight, you see.  Gotta look all fresh and irresistible for my date tomorrow. 

And if these owls know what’s best for ‘em they better shut their beaks -- or else me and Chompsy are going to have them for dessert tomorrow night.

-Garth-Floyd the Gazelle

Editor’s Note:  Garth-Floyd did not survive his date with Chompserella the lioness. Chompsy did, however, have the owls for dessert.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Seymour Seagull's Second Suicide Note

The above is a picture of Seymour.  Perhaps his mental illness stems from the fact that he thinks he's a seagull though he's clearly... not.

The below is his second (last?) suicide note.  To read his first, click here: Seymore's First Note

Well, as you might have guessed, I'm still alive.  Not a zombie, not a vampire, just a forsaken soul.  

Here's how it went down the first time it didn't go down: I was flying due west into the horizon.  I prayed for a brisk gust of wind to send me spiraling down, down, down into the sea.  My wish was granted, praise Gaia. But, alas, I had forgotten how well seabirds float. We float very, very well. We're bastards. 

So I regroup and I rally: This world-weary and regrettably buoyant soul lives to try again!  

New Plan: I have decided I shall feed myself to one of the more absurd looking foofoo dogs who wander these grounds led on Italian leather leashes by their masters, the fools.  I think death by Poodle would be a fine end to my mockery of a life.  I shall walk right up to the pitiful beast and climb into its toothy mouth.  

And if these bones and these feathers resist defeat by Poodle, I shall commission a larger creature -- perhaps a  Labradoodle -- to do the deed.

If not by Poodle, then surely by Labradoodle, I shall find peace.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

Heartbroken Hamster Haiku

The above is what Rascal would have created -- had he been born a painter and not a poet.

Below are seven haikus penned by Rascal, a garden variety hamster.  They are written about Charlotte, a particularly striking blonde angora hamster with whom Rascal spent the first few weeks of his life at the PetSmart in Culver City, CA.     

The poetry was written over the course of his two and a half year lifespan.  

I eat over here.
I run yonder, in the wheel.
I poop over there.

I sleep next to her,
Safe in a nest with her, and them.
Life is good, for now.

* * *

Where’d it all go, my...
My warmth, my nest, my love, her?
I miss the pet shop.

Now daytime is for :
Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep
And to dream of her.

Wonder where she sleeps,
Still safe in a nest with them?
Does she remember?

* * *

It’s been two years now
I’m on my last leg, I think
But I’m not afraid.

I’ll see you soon, love
If hamsters go to heaven.
A nest in the sky.