The above is a picture of Seymour, taken an hour before this note was written.
Below is Seymour Seagull's last (?) suicide note.
Dear World, You Jerk,
I exist! Damnit. I think! Damnit! I’m a feathered fool captive in a Descartes quote. Oh, how I am so pretentious. I hate every pretentious feather on my body sometimes. Especially now.
To recap: I’ve tried to leave this earth twice. The world won’t spit me out. It just keeps chewing and chewing like some sadistic cow. Like a bastard bovine. And I’m its jinxed cud.
But I have a plan! I am going to jump. I’m going to dive. I’m going to swim until I reach the bottom of the ocean. And then I’m going to plant my webbed feet there on the floor. I’m going to cling to whatever fish, oyster, or ball of kelp comes along. The water, that shall be my exit. Cool cleansing water for this feverish dirty bird.
Editor’s Note: Seymour survived. (Again). An overzealous Good-Samaratin-type dolphin saved his life.