Saturday, August 20, 2011

Seymour Seagull's Third Suicide Note


The above is a picture of Seymour, taken an hour before this note was written.

Below is Seymour Seagull's last (?) suicide note


Dear World, You Jerk, 

I exist! Damnit. I think! Damnit! I’m a feathered fool captive in a Descartes quote. Oh, how I am so pretentious. I hate every pretentious feather on my body sometimes. Especially now. 

To recap: I’ve tried to leave this earth twice. The world won’t spit me out. It just keeps chewing and chewing like some sadistic cow.  Like a bastard bovine. And I’m its jinxed cud. 

But I have a plan! I am going to jump.  I’m going to dive. I’m going to swim until I reach the bottom of the ocean. And then I’m going to plant my webbed feet there on the floor.  I’m going to cling to whatever fish, oyster, or ball of kelp comes along.  The water, that shall be my exit. Cool cleansing water for this feverish dirty bird. 

~Seymour

Editor’s Note: Seymour survived. (Again).  An overzealous Good-Samaratin-type dolphin saved his life. 

2 comments:

  1. Hollywood seems to control its own belief scheme which proposes a number of basic laws of life. Among them are: Bad guys forever go down in the finish. Terrorists are forever foreigners. Before battle, you be obliged to forever promote to a rousing speech. If you are a woman, it every so often needed for the period of an exciting chase in support of the majority of your clothes to fall sour. And so on.
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